How to increase well-being in a couple and prevent quarrels from destroying the relationship? Even with the strongest and strongest love, relationships require work on both sides. Misunderstandings, annoying habits of the partner, differences in temperament, upbringing, views on some things will eventually begin to cause discomfort, become a reason for disputes, and even scandals.
This is reported by the Dr. Evin website.
If you do not learn how to work with it, there is a risk of either making life together a hell, or quickly break up. How to be, let's break it down point by point.
Don't yell in a fight
If a couple starts yelling at each other during a quarrel, the situation becomes more complicated, because stress hormones come into play. And in this state, the chances of coming to a compromise tend to zero: in a state of stress, the partner cannot understand the other side. At least until he or she calms down.
In order not to turn the quarrel into a scandal and not to reach the point of no return, ask your partner to take a break in the conversation to calm down. Move around, stretch, try to shout not at the person, but just to "let off steam". And before you say anything to your partner, stop, take a sip of water or a calm inhale and exhale.
Don't hold a grudge
You can hold a heavy suitcase for 15 minutes, but not for 15 years. Negative emotions in relationships are similar: you can't hoard them forever. A study of 355 couples married for more than 16 years found that women's unhappiness usually leads to divorce. Although men feel this kind of marital tension more often than women.
Therefore, never expect a person to guess what you want or expect - it won't happen and they shouldn't have to guess. It is important to talk and explain what you really expect, what you want, what you are worried about. And don't make things up for your partner: again, ask and talk.
It is also important to be able to voice your negative feelings. Otherwise, there is a temptation to take them out on others - most often on children, subordinates or animals. Bitterness and resentment can grow into contempt. Then you begin to criticize your other half for who he is, not for actions: "I can not believe that you again did not clean the dishes. Slob. You never think about me!".
Express your feelings: "I feel annoyed and sad because I really wanted you to do the dishes. Don't generalize - "you never help me", but talk about a specific moment: "I feel sad/hurt that you didn't help me today".
Add a request: "I would like to avoid this problem in the future. Invite your partner into the conversation by posing the open-ended question, "How do you think we can do this?" and create new understandings.**
To look at the conflict from the outside
Couples can deal with conflict more constructively by imagining that they are giving themselves advice from the perspective of a neutral observer.
The scientists' study involved 120 relatively happily married couples. The researchers asked them to keep track of their biggest conflicts. Half of the group was given an additional writing assignment: describe the conflict from a third-party perspective. These couples also learned to accept the third-party point of view. The writing exercises didn't reduce the number of fights, but the couples who did them said they were able to maintain their marital relationship and prevent it from deteriorating.
Try to describe the conflict from the outside and think about what advice you would give to your buddy in this situation.
You can also record your dialogs with your spouse on a tape recorder or, better yet, on video. Later, you should find time to review or re-listen to the recordings alone and evaluate your (exactly your!) behavior from the outside.
Another option to improve the relationship: offer to say everything you want to say. You yourself at this time only listen attentively. And the next day, switch roles, but now you speak and your partner only listens.
And only after another day, if you want to, you can discuss what each of you heard and agree on something for the future.
Respect the characteristics of the partner
Partners may have different views and habits - you need to be aware of them and learn to accept them. One person likes everything to go exactly according to plan. And someone hates to schedule everything, and for him spontaneous surprises are the most important part of the relationship. This situation can lead to problems and conflicts in a couple.
For example, one of the partners unexpectedly brings tickets to the theater, while the other has everything planned for several months in advance. In this case, he will either have to ruin relations with those with whom he had plans or ruin relations with the partner who invites him to the theater.
To prevent this, get to know and take into account each other's peculiarities, ask what you like and are interested in, learn to interact and agree.
And accept the idea that in a relationship, each person is only responsible for their own condition. Then you have a chance of reaching an agreement. If the responsibility for happiness and good mood is transferred to the partner according to the principle "the partner must make me happy", this is a direct path to co-dependence, conflicts and disappointments.
Find common interests
Everyone in a couple can have their own hobbies and activities, that's fine. But too much separation can lead to problems. When partners start making plans without taking the other party into account, someone in the couple may feel like they're not being taken into account.
According to a review of 30 studies, couples who say "we" instead of "I" about their relationship have happier relationships.
Watch how you talk about your couple and your plans. If you mostly use only "I", you may not take into account that your partner may also have some interests of their own, and this is a direct road to conflict.
Try to find a hobby together to have an additional point of contact. Ask your partner's opinion more often: for example, watch and discuss movies about the relationship. You can even pause the movie while watching and ask: "What do you think?
To be alert and attentive
Research shows that if a person can explain a stressful situation to an attentive, listening partner, they are more likely to report higher levels of satisfaction with their relationship. Therefore, it is important to be attentive to each other and emotionally supportive.
Ask each other, "How can I support you?". Send encouraging messages, if this kind of caring is appropriate for your partner. Take turns complaining to each other, rather than "well, you don't have a problem, but I do...". And if you know your partner is having a rough week, make time for a heart-to-heart talk.
One of the problems in relationships is that people do not always show proper sympathy and go straight to advice. Usually a man is in the "advice" mode, because that is the way his psyche works: he perceives any appeal or complaint as a request to find a solution.
If a woman does not need a solution, but just wants to be listened to and sympathized with, she automatically begins to perceive the advice aggressively - a vicious circle.
If you want to be listened to rather than offered a ready-made solution, say to your partner: "I need to talk, please listen to me". In the female version it is desirable to add "I am not accusing you of anything, I just need to discharge my accumulated emotions".
But the main thing is not just to listen passively to the person, but to let them know that you hear them and empathize with them. At the same time, remember that the partner may not be ready to communicate, this is normal.
Show gratitude
The more expressions of love a person receives on a daily basis, the better they feel overall. Small signs of attention show how important people are to each other.
Researchers have found that people who feel their partner values them express greater satisfaction with their relationship and are more likely to stay together.
Therefore, to maintain a strong relationship with your partner, try to express gratitude and warmth more often - with words and actions. Say: "I appreciate you", "you are important to me", "I appreciate your care".
Notice the nice little things that a person does for you. Give sincere compliments, make breakfast or a cup of tea during the day if you know your partner doesn't have time for it. Make your partner's wish list. Usually the unexpected little things become the nicest gifts. You notice that your spouse likes a painting in a museum, it reminds him of his childhood - give him a copy for the holiday. Your spouse has mentioned a favorite perfume or restaurant - give the perfume a little later or take her to that restaurant on the weekend.
Develop physical intimacy
As research shows, touching makes communication more effective and improves relationships. At the moment of tactile contact, areas of the brain that affect reactions, physiological responses and thought processes are activated. And in romantic relationships, touching increases well-being in couples, even in those who value distance and autonomy.
Physical intimacy will be unnecessary only for non-tactile people. In this case, you need to find alternatives: ask your partner what it says to him about love, at what moments he feels loved or beloved.
If the person is tactile, then to improve the relationship, cuddle when you say goodbye or meet, cuddle on the couch, hold hands. This way you can show your partner that you enjoy his closeness and will feel closer to each other not only physically, but also emotionally.
Introduce contact rituals: greet from work by saying more than just "hello" from the kitchen. Come out to meet him, give him a hug and a kiss. In the morning, even if you don't have the energy to get up and make breakfast for your partner, make sure you hug, wish each other good luck and a good day.
The most important thing you can do to maintain a strong relationship with your partner is to agree that you both want to continue the relationship. Establish for yourself that neither you nor your partner will intentionally do anything that might cause the other person pain or other unpleasant feelings. Each partner will then know that the other does not intentionally want to hurt him or her or make him or her mad. And if he or she does, it is by accident or because he or she was in a state of affect and could not immediately cope with his or her emotions.
It is also recommended to read the material entitled "5 tips to boost a woman's self-esteem".
