In Russia, the number has increased significantly - there are about 8 breakups per 10 marriages. It is really not easy to build a strong relationship, because the path to true love goes through several stages, at each of which the couple's feelings are tested for strength. And only if people are suitable for each other, as well as agree to work on themselves, invest time and effort in the relationship, they will be able to achieve success.
This is reported by the Dr. Evin website.
1. Familiarization
Relationships begin to develop from the first meeting. Only if it goes well, the next stages become possible.
It is at the stage of acquaintance that the first impression of a person is formed, which is extremely important for the further development of events. According to the expert, it depends on the following factors.
Nonverbal behavior. We all subconsciously read the body language of the person we are talking to. Where does he or she turn his or her head or tilt his or her torso? What do you read in a look? A smile? External indicators. This includes the appearance of the partner, how constrained or, on the contrary, relaxed he behaves, how he shows emotions. Speech. What does the person speak about? What intonation does he/she use?
How to make a good impression at the first meeting
In order to please the interlocutor, we first of all need naturalness and absence of falseness.
If you're worried about how you'll look at your first meeting, you can observe yourself at home: record yourself on camera and watch how you walk, sit, stand, smile," she advises. - Do you feel relaxed? How tense are you? If your movements are too stiff, try to mentally reduce the importance of the upcoming date, give yourself back the right to be yourself.
Sincerity is equally important. Whether you give compliments, show your feelings or thank him for something - all this should be done sincerely, with all your heart.
At the same time with the intrusion into the private life of a new acquaintance is better not to hurry, the expert believes. In her opinion, it is better to wait until a person begins to demonstrate his favor. It will be possible to notice this by his non-verbal manifestations:
- tilting the body to your side;
- constant eye contact;
- an open-mouthed smile.
That's when you can start asking questions," says the psychologist. - For example: "Do you have social networks?", "What do you like to read?", "How was your week?". You can also gently ask about hobbies, work. The questions will be spontaneous, and it is important to remove clamps and shyness.
It's equally important to note common interests during initial conversations so that you can then pursue things together that both of you enjoy, Karas notes.
2. Establishing a link
In the second stage of the relationship, according to the psychologist, there is a deepening of the emotional bond. This stage lasts, as a rule, from two to six months. People begin to take an interest in more intimate aspects of each other's lives.
Conversations about hobbies and favorite movies turn into a frank exchange of experiences, feelings, emotions, sensations. Also at this stage, to a greater or lesser extent, there is already a recognition of the other's merits.
Nevertheless, already at this stage of relationship development can begin and difficulties, the expert believes. After all, this is the period of establishing emotional intimacy, and not everyone is capable of it.
Possible difficulties in the communication phase:
- a negative attitude toward yourself;
- an excessive sense of shame;
- Fear;
- repressed aggression, anger and irritation.
Which helps create emotional intimacy:
- adequate, positive self-esteem;
- well-developed empathy;
- openness to new experiences;
- The ability not to exaggerate stressful situations.
It is these qualities that need to be intensely developed if there is a desire to successfully cope with the second stage of the relationship.
If everything goes well, the emotional connection leads to mutual interest," Inna Karas explains. - Partners want to spend more time together, trust between them arises. At this point, the couple begins to discover its members - it is less scary to appear clumsy, wrong, to make mistakes, to take risks.
However, if either partner has low or inflated self-esteem, many fears, past negative experiences in the relationship, this can prevent the other from opening up.
3. lapping
This stage of relationship development is considered the most difficult. According to the psychologist, at this stage common views on life are formed. Often in the same period there is the largest number of conflicts. After all, values may not coincide, and you have to learn to accept your partner as he or she is.
This stage of a relationship can last quite a long time - even several years. And it is often where the story of many couples ends.
I advise you to take with your partner the Rokic test to determine the value orientations of personality. It will help you better understand your other half. In addition, you will be able to see if there is a future in your relationship, whether you are really suitable for each other or sooner or later will have to break up. To do this, measure the results of the test and calculate the ratio. If the coefficient is close to one - the values are very close. Zero and below - the values are completely different.
During this period it is important to nurture respect for each other, learn to forgive and ask for forgiveness, and not just argue all the time. After all, conflicts may depend not only on values, but also on other circumstances.
If a situation arises where you have different points of view, it's best to start with compromise and then smoothly transition to collaboration.
Example
A guy and a girl arrange to meet. The girl is delayed at work and she warns her boyfriend about it. He accepts that the person he is in a relationship with can sometimes get held up at work. Then offers an option on how best to deal with it: for example, he can stop by in half an hour or meet her closer to her house. The girl brings her point of view: she says she needs to stop by her house. Cooperation begins. A new meeting time is negotiated, as well as what the partner will do while waiting.
4. Relationship development
If it was possible to get past the previous stage, over time the romantic relationship will develop and evolve into a more open, relaxed and secure relationship.
Relationships become long-term. This is the time when partners have already learned to cooperate, they solve problems together, feel their unity.
At this stage, much attention is paid to planning a common future. Therefore, according to the psychologist, it is important to discuss the following issues together.
What do we expect from our relationship going forward? What are our personal and common goals? What can bring us together? How else can we help each other? What is important to everyone in the couple for the future and what is not important? How do we both understand responsibility? What can we forgive each other and what can't we forgive each other?
The extreme that one can fall into at this stage is co-dependent relationships. In this case, partners begin to monopolize each other and use each other for their own benefits.
There is excessive inclusion in the life of the other, one partner begins to control the other. He or she does not remember what happened to him or her during the day, but can recount in detail all the actions of the loved one. For example, how many times he went online, what he wrote, how long he was in this network. This leads to constant worrying about why he/she responded this way or not at all.
5. Rooting feelings
At this stage, according to the psychologist, the stability of the relationship is formed. It happens when each of the partners finally stops being afraid of making mistakes, doing stupid things, acting against the interests of the other. As a rule, this stage comes after many years of living together.
Inna Karas is convinced: for feelings to take root, it is important for partners to find ways to fulfill their needs on three levels:
It includes food, sex, sleep. Everything should be in moderation.
This is work, self-actualization, interpersonal communication, healthy competition. Each person in a couple has the right to build a career, to make friends, to engage in creativity.
Spiritual.
Partners should not stop self-exploration, knowledge of the world and self-improvement. Otherwise, the relationship may break down due to routine.
There is another crucial need - to express love and care. It is important for everyone in a relationship to feel seen, heard, understood and accepted.
At this stage, according to her, there is a total acceptance of the partner as he or she is: with all his or her qualities of personality and outlook. At this stage, you can even fall in love with a person again, as you get to know the farthest corners of his or her soul, the highest degree of intimacy.
Although it is considered to be the last stage of a relationship, in fact, it is impossible to reach the end point in a relationship. Relationships are always evolving, they need to be worked on, they need to be created throughout your life together. So whatever stage you are at, always strive to make you and your partner feel secure, respected, fulfilled and happy.
It is also recommended to read the material entitled "Life after death: books to help you get over the loss of loved ones".
